Mama Part 2: Days 6-10

Day 6
Family and Friends 

If there is any good thing that death brings, it would be the coming together of Family and Friends. Mama's death pulled the family together- even the extended ones. After the Christian service, my sister and I stayed in my aunts' hotel rooms with them. These are my aunts whom I've met back in my New Years visit, my aunts whom I've only seen 30 years ago prior to that NY's trip. And so, there was a lot of hesitation and worry. Will they like us? Will it be awkward? Will we have anything in common? Will they look down on us or worse, will they hate us?
All of those fears vanished when we felt how they put our needs above everyone else's, even their own. They made sure we were fed and stripped of unnecessary worry. They gave up a bed so that we can sleep. That night was the first in a very long time that my sister slept on a proper bed. Before that, she slept in the hospital's couch, even the backseat of her car just to be near mama. When I got here, my heart broke because even in her own room rental, she only had a couch makeshift bed. Her roommate gave up her bed for me to sleep for the days that I'm here and sleeps in the living room couch. (Thank you Maiqui.)
I felt sorry for my sister but like my mom, she is such a fighter and just shrugs it off. Mama wanted her to look for a better place to stay and that's what we are working on.
Our family is not a perfect one. It is full of drama but also laughter, just like my favourite teleseryes and kdramas. They say it's because of the Dela Cruz blood. When God showered feistiness and strength, my ancestors took it all. And so, we all grew up in that environment, with those role models. My sister is mini-mama. She has her style, her tastes and yes, even her fiery tongue. I too, was like that, and maybe a little bit still. Mama taught us (because she was taught the same thing) to speak our minds and be frank, others be damned. If they can't take the heat, they should walk away. And for a while, I truly believed that. But my sister and I saw the cost that came with that. For me, I lost friends and made bad vindictive enemies. The good thing though is the ones who stuck behind are the really good people. I've seen the same with mama, the ones who stuck by her in the last stretch are gold-hearted people, people who are selfless and sacrifice for mama. You want to know who the really good people are? Have Cancer and you'll see.
But is it not possible to get the best of both worlds? That was a decision I made in 2006 when Ronnel and I moved to NZ. At first, I actually had to just be by myself (and Ronnel) to avoid situations where I'd speak my mind. I needed to practice and change my perspective, always reminding myself that when I point a finger on someone, 3 fingers are pointing back at me. It took a lot of restraint and effort to unlearn years of training. It was only in 2007/8 that I started building friendships again and even then it was in the safe environment of a church community, Couples for Christ. Because I knew that if I said something that might hurt another, I would be corrected, understood and prayed over. And I prayed for myself as well as prayed for people around me. Fortunately, that hasn't happened yet (to my knowledge) because the friends I made are inherently good people. And I have started thinking before I speak. Plus Ronnel is my avid corrector/conscience. We are not perfect, but we make allowances and understand each other.
Shall I show you how good our friends are? When they learned I was leaving for LA, leaving 3 kids with a husband who is a novice in the kitchen - they told me, "Go. Don't worry. We will take care of your family." And they really meant it. They organised a roster of people who bring food to our house everyday. I cooked a lot of food before I left and put them in the freezer for Ronnel to reheat. He hasn't had the chance to touch those because there's a steady stream of food coming to our door. Some drop by with kids to play with the girls, some even pick them up for play dates. Ronnel is very independent and is quite uncomfortable relying on other people so it took a little bit of adjustment but even then, friends understood and continued to help without intruding. They were just there to offer a hand if it got too tough for him. Imagine handling a highly inquisitive 5 year old, a feisty 3 year old and a 7 month old baby. I'm surprised Ronnel hasn't gone crazy yet. He is holding up really well. So I thank my husband and our friends for being there for us. 

I was blessed because I realised this a bit early, that I could get the best of both worlds if I just changed my perspective. And that's what I'm teaching my sister. It is good to speak your mind but make sure when you do it is not something you will regret later on. That you can always change the manner of delivery without compromising the message. I will not lie, Mama's tongue is sharp. It lashes out quickly and it hurts a lot. I should know because I grew up with that. My insecurities are because of that. Only now I find out that she regretted those words. That I still can't believe it when someone tells me how proud mama was of me. In her journals, I read how she spoke her mind and a lot of times only said these words at the heat of the moment. I believe when the Cancer took her voice, she felt frustrated but also maybe relieved because she was stripped of the ability to hurt others with her words. I remember back in New Years, I kept on reminding her to be a bit gentle with her words to the nurses and caregivers around her. They too are people, with a patient ratio of 1:10, they will be on edge too. And I know it's hard for a patient and doubly hard for mama. I'd like to believe she took that on and became gentler especially when she moved to a new hospice. I met one nurse who looked after mama in her last days and he recalled how kind she was and how strong she was. He was teary-eyed when he said those and I am happy because even in a short time, mama's true heart was acknowledged by someone who didn't have the luxury of time to really get to know her.
The friends Mama had, the really good friends, they are the ones who forged the friendship through time. Mama is magnetic- she has a pull that you cannot fathom. You either stay away for good or keep coming back for more. Once you look beyond the sharp tongue, you will see her true heart and you will not regret it. Unfortunately, it takes courage and strength to look beyond the lashes and stick for the long haul. Mama was blessed with people who looked beyond the lashes, who were strong to withstand the surface pain to experience the love she had deep within. And I was wrong if I thought there were only a few who could do this. The memorial service showed me how there were a lot of people whom God sent to mama. There were even two memorial services to show me that. Several came to me, telling me stories and memories they share with mama. And in every story, it would always have "you know how your mom is, right?" They were fond memories and it showed how they looked beyond the surface to really know her. In every story, my mom's strength shone through.

Day 7

Reassurance

As I said back in day zero, if the first visit to LA was for mama, this time it’s for my sister. And so, it’s just right for me as a big sister to guide and support her in the decisions she will be making now that mama is gone. Mama has always been my sister’s decision driver, thought bouncer and conscience. All that I need to do now with 6,705 miles between us.

Len wants to stay in LA and continue to build the dream that she and mama started years ago. It hasn’t been easy and it will not be easy but she is determined to do so on her own. With mama watching above, I am confident that she will make it in time. In His Time. As a big sister, I am supporting her decision and to support that, I need to confirm that her environment, the people around her will help her achieve her dreams and not drag her down. 

I’ve seen and now know that she is in a good church community. I can tell because I am part of one back in Wellington. It might be different but the underlying principle is the same. That Jesus is the centre. I’ve seen that in the Christian memorial service they’ve organized for Mama. There was little effort on that for us – just the flowers and Mama’s photo but the rest were all done by the church. They made it as stress-less as possible. I met her surrogate family for Len but for myself too, so that I know whom to call on should I need to check on her (mwahaha). We had lunch with her “LA big sister”, who’s around my age and had the reassurance that I was longing for – that she will be looked after. I told her that if she is a representative of the community that my sister is part of, then I don’t really have anything to worry about. And it is true. I’ve only met a few from their church but I feel their hearts are the same. One has even offered my sister a place to stay for the next 3 months, rent-free and this is a big deal for her because she needs to save every penny to get back up. Some have asked if my sister had someone special to help her through this, some, asking indirectly and some, just straight out, “Who’s that guy?” “Why second mother?” I am not going to discuss my sister’s love life or lack thereof in this post. smile emoticon But what I will do is share with you my insights on her good friend. A cross-cultural relationship is never easy, compound it with cross-religion – so it is natural to have complications. However, with our romantic aspirations, we will always think that love can shine through. There is truth in that but I believe more than love, there will be a mixture of time and individual maturity. And being good friends is the best option. What my sister has gone through is no joke. She needs to grow and be able to fight her battles. As a big sister, I had to ask “Do you have good intentions for my sister?” And there was no hesitation with the reply – “Of course.” And I will hold on to that. If things go wrong, I will do a Liam Neeson and use my “very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you… I will look for you, I will find you…” 

And of course she has Tito Ernie whom mama has entrusted my sister to be the “LA dad.” I think he was surprised about how open-minded I was about this. I have relinquished any right I have to nitpick when I look at the sacrifices he has made for mama and Len. I see that even after mama’s gone, he genuinely checks on my sister, ensures that she has food to eat and a good place to sleep. I cannot be grateful enough for the people sent to by God to Mama and Len. We are not worthy but still, all these have been given.

The good people around Len will serve as her weapons, some will be her cheerleaders and some, be part of a supportive audience. There will also be some who will be detractors, devil’s advocates or worse, spawns of Satan. What category do you fall into? As of now, I haven’t met any of the latter. I pray that it will be only good people but I am not naïve. I pray that my sister has the gift of discernment to tell the difference.

Now that I’ve been reassured, I can breathe a bit easily. Now, it’s my turn to reassure you. We have been asked about the funds. I would like to believe that when people ask this, it’s because they are curious and have no ill intent. Once and for all, I will do this reassurance and I will not talk about it again. Fundraising was our last resort. Cancer doesn’t hit you swiftly, it is like an expert thief that slowly creeps in and takes things bit by bit and then leaves you with nothing. My sister, just like my mom, didn’t want people to know. Even I don’t, because I’d like to leave even just a little bit of pride and avoid pity. But when the thief takes everything and leaves you nothing, then all pride vanishes just to survive. Remember Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Our basic needs come first. And so with careful and painful consideration, we used our last card – fundraising. People are inherently good and funds poured in. But people are also inherently curious and want to know where they’ve gone. Remember, it was the last resort. That meant, that for a while, mama and Len were living in debt and whatever I could send. As I’ve said in my eulogy, this year and the last were the hardest for us. I couldn’t look Ronnel straight in the eye because I’ve drained us with my papa’s stroke and mama’s needs. We have 3 kids and a mortgage. My brother also has his worries in the Philippines. And we had little time to prepare with mama keeping it all from us. 

And so that’s where it went. When I came here I asked my sister for a breakdown of expenses and I was proud to see her Excel spreadsheet, with expenses broken down monthly, line by line with receipts to boot. And she was still in the red. She is living on a cash basis in America where credit rating is a must. That means she cannot rent a home on her own or buy anything to her name. Funds went to the backlog of payments for their living expenses, mama’s natural supplements, and she had the vision to leave some for mama’s passing. Not everything is free. The Catholic service, the flowers, the document processing, the death certificates, even the TSA packaging required for the ashes to be permitted in the plane. And I reassure you, that your donations were used for the purpose it was intended for and nothing else.

Day 8
Bonding

With only a day to go until I go back to Ronnel and the kids, I wanted to make sure that the day was spent wisely - and what wiser way to spend it with my sister to just bond and spend time together without a care in the world. We went to places mama promised to bring me to before. My sister is a lot like mama -- she wants to maximise every minute to show me around places. I remember when we were kids and went traveling to other countries -- mama would have a full itinerary to make sure we maximised the trip. I keep on telling my sister that it didn't really matter to me if I didn't see all the hot spots in LA-- what mattered is that we were spending time together just being with each other -- not thinking about our pain, our loss, our debts, or what lies ahead. We just enjoyed just being alive. We went to UCLA and pretended we went to school there. We wondered what the best mode of transport was if you had a class from building A to building B which were miles apart. We pretended we were California girls in a top down Porsche driving along the Palm trees in Hollywood. We sang Katy Perry's California girls and forgot all the worries we had. We pretended we were amongst the rich and famous and went in luxury boutiques, ogling the Louis Vuittons, Chanels and Diors. We took photos and posed like the models on the big canvases. We even saw Taylor Swift (we believed it was her or a lookalike) doing a photo shoot. We wanted to get an autograph but she was busy in the shoot, plus fellow actresses don't need autographs. smile emoticon It was a day full of shopping in our minds - not buying anything except for a promise that we will be back in the future and do more than just ogle. In the afternoon, we went with our aunt to do more sightseeing. We took photos every second, wanting to capture the moment when tears aren't falling from our eyes. 

My sister and I are very different. We are different in how we cope with stress. I write. She sleeps. She is a very private person like mama while I have no qualms telling my friends (even acquaintances) about my life. She worries about what people will think, or that people will pity her. I worry but I am past caring. She overthinks. I simplify. But we are also similar in some ways. Both of us do not like asking for help because we think we can manage on our own and we don't want to inconvenience others or be indebted to others. I have since learned to seek for and receive help when given because sometimes I really can't do it on my own. We discussed several times the motivation behind mama's keeping it all from us until it was too late. She understood mama completely and said that she probably will do the same thing if she was in mama's place. For me, I don't think it's fair. If it was me, I'd tell my family as early as possible not because I cannot handle it on my own but just because they have the right to know. My sister argues that the less we know, the less we get hurt. I, on the other hand, think knowledge is power. That if we had known earlier, we could have spent more time together, we could have prepared longer, we could have prioritised better. We still haven't agreed on what is the right thing to do. Mama's wishes is to give away her belongings, burn all her documents, wipe out all her digital information and only leave the documents that are vital. My sister and I are torn between following her wishes and our own. We want to hold on to her memory but we also want to honour her wishes. And so we compromise. We took things that we value to remember her by -- clothes and photos -- and will get rid of everything else. We don't know passwords to her email addresses and we will not pursue finding out whatever secrets she kept from us. We will leave it at that. As her children, we are honouring her last wishes - and some, we are bound legally to. She doesn't want any viewing and that was why there was none in mama's memorial services. Mama's body is now in the science laboratory as she stipulated that her remains be used for research. She said that this is her own way of sparing someone the same pain she went through. Any remnant shall be cremated. She wanted her ashes to be divided amongst loved ones but this was against her Catholic faith so we conceded. My aunt will bring her back to her Mama (my grandmother) in the Philippines in May.

Day 9
Leaving LA

I leave LA knowing that my sister is a strong confident young lady who has a great future ahead of her. I remind her that life is never easy, but the important thing is that we are living. The harder things get, the more painful it feels, the more we feel alive. The moment we feel numb, the moment we let indifference take over, the moment we give up- that's when we insult mama's life. She is still young and has lots to learn for herself and I see her applying the lessons she's learned from mama's life day by day.
Here are some lessons I learned from mama's life:

1. Prevent not cure. My family carries the Cancer gene. Knowing this, we'd like to preempt the strike by living healthy as much as possible. For me, it's a bit challenging with kids but I will try. My sister is a bit stricter. She eats organic, goes to the gym and generally lives healthy along with mama before and is continuing to do so til now. 

2. No judging - Everyone has a cross to bear. To this day, I still cannot fathom mama's motivation for shielding us from the truth but I do not judge her. I also cannot judge the people who judged her and my sister for the life they lived there. They have their own crosses to bear and reasons for acting that way. I do not know the whole story and maybe that's the reason mama kept secrets -- so that I have no culpability when I get judged. 

3. There are good people everywhere but there are rotten ones too - just focus on he good ones and stay clear from the latter. We were surrounded by good people. People who went beyond their comfort zone to help us, people whom we've never met reached out to us, people who also were in dire situations but still pulled through for us. These are people whom we draw our strength and inspiration from. As for the negative people, we don't exert any effort dealing with them. We are drained. I'm not even writing another line about them. 

4. Family isn't determined by blood. I found that many who really stuck by mama were not tied to her by blood, rather by faith and love. However, when you are tied by blood, you have an instant connection with each other which should break any barrier -- especially when it's the first time you're meeting each other. The fact that the same blood runs through your veins should make you connected, make you understand more, empathise more, love each other more. 

5. Find the right balance between keeping image and the truth. Mama downplayed how sick she was until she couldn't hide it anymore. I asked my sister and she thinks it is because mama didn't like being pitied and she didn't want to pass on the burden to her loved ones. It is the same reason why my sister painstakingly takes care of her image, compartmentalising her life into different areas - work, church, friends etc - which do not intersect. I'm different. I don't compartmentalise. I have friends at work, at church and other areas who know what I'm going through now. I have nothing to hide. My sister feels that people will look upon her with sympathy. I feel that people look upon her as inspiration for her strength. She disabled her Facebook account because she gets stressed with people asking how she is as she doesn't know what to tell them. I tell her to tell them to read what I wrote and if they still don't get it, then just pray for them. More than coping with stress, I write for two more reasons: 1- to have a record of my thoughts of this ordeal for future reference and 2- for people who ask how I am. As I mentioned before, people are inherently curious. Since I do not like breaking down at work and crying every time I'm asked how I am, I direct them to my blog. So if you see me and ask me how I'm coping with the loss, I will direct you to my blog. This way, I can spare us both the tears and helplessness. 

6. Seek and you shall find. Ask and you shall receive. One thing we learned to give up in this experience is pride. Pride is the least of your worries when your basic instinct to survive kicks in. So we learned to seek for comfort and we found so much more than just solace. We learned to ask for a hand but were given an arm. My sister and I still argue because she doesn't want to get help because others feel sorry for her. I tell her it doesn't stop here, one day when she is able, she will give twice in return. It might be to the same person or to others like her who need help. Pay it forward. For now, we will be grateful and appreciate all the help we are given-- one day, we will give back -- we will make sure we give more than we receive. 

7. Cherish the people you love. When we learned about how sick mama was, only then we showed her how much we loved and valued her without inhibitions. My sister hugged her every moment possible. I said I love you frequently albeit via FaceTime. We gave in to her whims and did everything to fulfil her wishes. We were blessed because we were given time to do this. Maybe that's another good thing Cancer brings -- a bit of time. If it was a car accident or a death that was sudden, she would have gone without revelling in our love. It was not without effort especially since we are not the "showy" type. You can always argue that you can show love through other ways, through the food you bring on the table or the presents you give your loved ones, that actions speak louder than words. I am not saying you stop doing these. I am just saying you need to reaffirm your love with words. What will you lose if you tell your mother "I love you"? Are those 3 words too hard to come out of your mouth despite the knowledge that your mother carried you in her womb for several months? I do not have the right to preach because I struggled saying those words to mama too. I had a complicated relationship with my mother. I wasn't the best daughter and she wasn't the best mother to me. All the pain we've given each other didn't matter anymore. We asked forgiveness for all the past pain and focused on the present (then). Knowing then that mama might leave us anytime soon, our priorities changed. I believe that a person's value in your life can be realised with the number of things you can let go to make that person happy. 

8. Live life to the fullest but also think about the legacy you'll leave behind. I am still not sure that if mama knew that things will turn out this way, she would live her life differently. She may not. Would she have taken her health more seriously? Would she have told us back in 2011 when she first found out? Would she... I honestly don't know. One thing I know though through her journals is that she lived a life full of love. That in the end she was happy. How many of us would be able to say the same thing? Would I?

9. Love with all your might. Mama loved with everything she had. I know it's been said that when you love, leave a bit something for yourself so that when the person leaves you, you will have something for yourself. I think this might be a family trait. When I love, I don't think with my mind, I think with my heart. (My friends back in the 90's who know many stories: please keep quiet haha)
Just like mama. And that usually causes a lot of headaches and heartaches. But it pays off when you find the person meant for you. If you love and leave a bit of insurance, it's like you are preparing for bad things to happen. And learning from mama's life, despite some heartaches, it is still worthwhile to love wholeheartedly.

10. Have faith. If there's only one lesson I should learn from mama's life, it is to have faith. And never waiver. She knew amidst all the pain and suffering that God had a reason and a grand plan. By entrusting our whole being to God, we know that whatever we do, however we live, He has our back. That whatever life we live here on earth - whether it be full pain and suffering, or full of abundance and joy-- it is nothing compared to the everlasting unfathomable happiness we are promised in the afterlife.

Day 10
Closure

This will be my last post about mama's passing. From hereon, I will focus on the living and filling the void that mama left behind. I'm back in New Zealand, returning to a family that missed me while I was away. It will be hard, mourning and grieving cannot be done and over with just because I left LA. My sister is still grieving and more than anyone else, she literally is left with a huge void when mama left. She fills this void with work. When mama was still around, a day to her was more than 24 hours because after work, she needed to take care of mama at the hospice. Now, she has gained back that time and she fills that with work to save up to pay debts they've incurred to survive. I, too, need to work hard with Ronnel to give our children a good future and to make sure that we keep our promise to honour our parents and let them enjoy time with their grandchildren. And also keep my promise to pay it forward- to make sure to repay the kindness and generosity shown to my family. 

Know that when I post and it's not about mama, or my loss, our pain- it's not because I've forgotten or maybe have finished grieving. Contrary to that, it is a continuing grief process as I return to normalcy. Know that when I don't want to talk about mama or her passing, it's not because I don't care anymore, it's rather the opposite as it is still too raw. Know that when I do not respond to your likes or comments on my posts, it's not because I do not appreciate your words rather I feel warm inside, so warm that it is hard to breathe. Know that when I can only say "thank you" as a reply to your personal messages, it is not because I do not want to share rather it is because I want to spare you the predicament of not knowing how to comfort me when I inevitably pour out everything. Know that when I am smiling, I am doing this not only for my sake but for the sake of my loved ones too with whom I share this burden. 

My next post might be a photo of my kids, a competition I joined, a birthday greeting - the same ones I did before. Know that it's not because it's like nothing has happened, so much has happened that I need to move on. I do not just live for myself. I have my sister, my brother, my dad, grandmother, aunt, uncles, nieces, in-laws, friends. More than that, I have a good loving husband and three rambunctious kids who need all the energy and attention I can give. I have work that impacts the lives of others searching for peace and justice in my country. I have friends physically and virtually present, cheering me on as I move on. I have so many blessings to count that I do not have any reason to wallow in despair. But most of all, I am alive. And mama would want me living it to the fullest. 

PS: Photo posted is a page from a notebook we gave her in our visit last New Years. Aqui wrote a line and mama wrote the plea for rest which was granted. I think it's a great way to go with my post, don't you? 

PPS: I know we already thanked people for helping us in every way possible. Thank you. Words are not enough but still, thank you.

GofundMe Update:

My family would like to thank everyone who helped us through this difficult time. It has been 13 days since my mother left this world and life goes on for those she left behind. 

Through this fundraising site, my mother's last few days were made comfortable and her mind put a little bit at ease. The funds were used to clear some of the debt she incurred when she got sick and had to stop working - rent, food, medical bills. Some were used to support her natural diet - herbalsupplements, organic food and other natural means to delay the progress of the cancer. 

When she passed, the funds were used for the Catholic service as well as documentation costs. The remaining funds will be used in the travel arrangements for her ashes to be brought back to the Philippines, for interment at St. Peter's Parish. 

Again, thank you. You have put a smile on Emy's face during last days here on earth and we are sure that she continues to smile at your generosity and kind heart as an angel.

Faith and Love always,
Einge and EJ